Guys-
Being liked, being accepted, feeling a part of a group, while also being kind and liking other people for the right reasons is what I remember as one of the struggles of adolescence. While you aren’t there yet, you will be there soon enough. (Too soon for me!) I’d love to say, “Don’t worry about what other people think. Be you! Be kind and look for others who are kind and it will all work out!” And I do say that! That is my advice. But it sometimes easier said than done. For me, it was a process of becoming comfortable in my own skin.
I came across a post on Quora that I think is helpful:
“My life became 100xx easier overnight when I finally figured this out.
When you learn and practice these simple, easy steps, you will encounter the same magical transformation.
Before I tell you those magic steps, let me share my story with you.
I used to scratch my head, play the blame game, and wonder why I wasn’t the cool kid.
I used to say, I’ll never be “liked.” I’ll never be “cool.” I’ll never have many friends. Months and years went day, and nothing changed.
Then, one day, I had an eye-opening conversation with one of my popular friends. I opened up to him. We’ll call him Tim. Tim was super cool.
“Tim,” I said, “I don’t know why I’m not popular or cool. Everyone likes you.What am I doing wrong?”
His response absolutely floored me.
“Everyone does like you. They just get the impression you’re not interested in hanging out with them. They think you don’t like them.”
Suddenly everything made sense. I had been an incredibly bad communicator. I had been arrogant. Maybe even an asshole. I had to take a long look in the mirror and start changing my behavior to reflect my intentions, not my social anxiety.
My intentions, after all, had always been to make friends and get along with people. Most people have good intentions.
I quickly realized what I needed to do, and life has never been the same.
After practicing these communication tips, I made many more friends. My business grew significantly
—and I got more referrals from current and former clients—because people like and trust me. And I’m practicing and getting better every day. So… enough about me. Let’s focus on you.
Here’s where I show you my magic. Something you should realize: People naturally “like” you. But as we all know, that doesn’t necessarily translate to popularity. In order to get more popularity going, you have to like other peoplemore and proactively engage with them in a way that adds more value to their lives! So here’s how:
Step one: Always smile and give authentic compliments. This is harder than it sounds. Practice makes perfect. Start practicing today.
I, like many people, unfortunately suffered from “resting bitch face.” Naturally, I was turning people off. So, I started smiling more. Yay, happiness and sunshine! 🙂 I’m also more approachable now. Sometimes strangers come up to me in chat in coffee shops, at the gym, or restaurants. It’s kind of thrilling, actually.
Easy way to get started: compliment people on their outfits. Outfits are the best thing to compliment because outfits are 1) within someone’s control, 2) not so personal as to make you seem creepy, and 3) a fun way of engaging with someone of a stylistic level. Which opens the door for step two…
Step two: Ask genuine questions, and instead of thinking about how you will respond, focus on listening to what they have to say.
I used to be a very impatient listener. Sometimes I still am. I used to always focus on how I would respond to them. I was arguing more than I was listening. When you focus on what someone is saying, they feel heard. The more someone feels heard, the more they will trust you, and the more they will open up to you—both things that build your popularity.
Easy way to get started:
a) what are your thoughts/feelings on …?
b) how do you usually enjoy your free time?
c) what was the highlight of your weekend?Step three: Do not be judgmental. Instead, keep an open mind. Like giving authentic compliments, this is easier said than done.
Avoiding judgment has been the hardest communication problem to overcome for me. I used to judge anyone and everyone. I was incredibly narrow minded. I thought I had the only “solution.”
I used to say things like, “Why would you do that?” “Don’t you think that was stupid?” with an arrogant tone. Or I would just laugh in a condescending fashion. People hate that. No one likes a know-it-all.
Easy way to get started: rather than emphasizing differences, focus on common ground.
Say things like, “I never knew that,” or “tell me more about …?” or “I’d be curious why you believe ..?”… instead of saying those dumbass things mentioned above that were part of my daily regimen.
You can also build common ground by saying things like “I’m like that too because…” or “I have a friend who also…” or “I agree because…” If you disagree with them, ask a question instead of just judging them. You’ll probably learn something…. and I guarantee they’ll like you more.
Trust me, my relationships have improved so much since I started practicing these communication hacks that I can’t even tell you how much better my life is now. I literally used to be a dumbass at this stuff. I’m no expert now, but I’m working on it every day and getting better.
People who know the “old me” will often comment on the improvement, which is nice… but at the end of the day, I’m doing it for myself. And you should do it for yourself, too.
Please, please, please employ these communication hacks into your life today to have better relationships, and popularity will naturally grow as a result. I hope you find these hacks as useful as I have.
from Ben Peters at MillennialCommute
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