Decker and Gibson,
It’s bizarre to write this to you guys, but I need to. I need to because it’s a truth of me, and anything I have experienced that can benefit you guys in any way needs to be shared.
I have wanted to kill myself before. More than that, once, I was afraid I was going to. I didn’t go so far as to make a plan, but I felt as though I was losing control over my ability to stop myself.
My first thoughts of suicide were in high school. I was a ball of emotion and I was very unsure of myself. I was unsure how to regulate my emotion. I now believe it was an issue of brain chemicals. I didn’t know that at the time. I was really scared. I tried to regulate myself with drugs, which sometimes worked and sometimes did not. Regulating with drugs eventually led to a substance abuse problem I was unable to regulate. Eventually, complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol was the only thing that worked for me.
The second time I contemplated suicide – and this was the time I was scared I would be unable to stop myself – was when I was about six years sober. It was about three months before Mom and I found out we were going to have you, Decker.
I was terrified of something. Myself? My life? My ability to succeed in life? I don’t know. To this day I don’t really know. But I know that my body was having a horrendous reaction. I was literally becoming physically ill and I think I had insane amounts of cortisol going through my body. I was beyond unhappy. I was gripped by fear. Maybe clinical depression? I have no idea. But whatever it was gave me the gift of desperation. I was either going to die or I was going to change.
I found transcendental mediation. My initial thought of TM was that it was weird and “out-there.” It turned out to be so much more normal than I thought. It wasn’t weird at all. Practicing TM for a relatively short period of time may have saved my life.
Shortly thereafter, we found out that we were going to have a baby – that’s you Deck – and, knock wood, thank God, I haven’t looked back since. I have been so incredibly fortunate to have you Decker, and you Gibson, in my life.
This post isn’t a pitch for sobriety or TM. The only advice I could ever give to anyone in this situation is that there is a solution for you. Follow your instinct. I was willing to abandon what I thought were decisions set in stone. I was willing to abandon what I was sure was the only way for me. I was willing to see if I needed to leave your Mom, the state, or my sense of self. Turns out that I just needed to change careers and take a little more time for myself and self-care.
In 2011, outwardly, in my conscious day-to-day mind, I didn’t have what it took to be happy. I was starting to lose what it took to be alive. But inside, I had the answers. Maybe that’s God or the Universe or just me, or something else. I don’t know. Still don’t know. I only know that I’m happy and have been so incredibly fortunate to be married to your Mom and so incredibly fortunate to be your Dad.
I hope and pray you will never need these words for your own experience with similar thoughts. But I felt the need to write these words and share this experience because it’s me and you guys should have all of me. I love you both so much.